I’d forgotten what I wanted to say

I get distracted so easily

Even by myself

You see?

 

This morning I was a little out of it

I was really craving attention

I guess

I thought of hurting myself

Which means I had to look at my thoughts

Straight in the face and

“What are you

What do you want from me

What now”

Get to the root of the problem

 

What was I thinking about?

I was daydreaming

Again

Like usual

About mister fantasy

The beautiful man-thing

That helps me fall asleep at night

. . .

The trouble with him is that he’s

So

Rich

And

So

Everything

So

Where in the world would I meet a man like that?

In his building

And how did I get there?

Easy.

I was going to try and jump off the roof

Because obviously I have to traumatize this man

Because of course the relationship has to be toxic

Duh.

But the thing is

That

I

Am the main part of this fantasy

But

I

Am a real person

I

have a real family

that would be really hurt –

That feels offensive.

‘Hurt’ isn’t the right word.

I’ve lost family

I know what it feels like

It feels like hell

Every

Single

Time

I think about her

I

Can’t

Do that to my family

Even though

I know

The pain of knowing what they feel

Can’t hurt me if I’m dead

But still

I can’t

 

So how else would I get his attention

. . .

Even the man in my head

A fake man

A. Literal. Fantasy.

Can’t pay attention to me unless I hurt myself

 

How many thoughts went through my head just now

If only I could capture them so that

I could capture them on paper.

 

I’m so lonely!

No, I’m not.

I’m just bored.

I’m bored of the people around me who want my

Attention.

They’re not exciting like men are

No drama –

Well –

The drama is there but it’s stupid

I don’t want stupid,

I’m bored

I want . . .

ugh.

Attention.

From new people

From my family.

I get annoyed with myself when I get frustrated like this.

 

What else did I forget?

 

 

 

When you handwrite the word ‘lonely’

too quickly, it looks like ‘lovely’

My notebook says     I’m so lovely!   Haha. Weirdo.