I feel fake

I’m writing a letter to Tay

It’s the most healing yet devastating thing I’ve done all week.

How can I so easily summon up all of this support for another person, but I’m so hard on myself and can’t believe any of this when I’m having a moment

I am pushing myself to reach out even now, to tell you that this kind of thought entered my mindspace and it doesn’t want to leave.

I am typing into a Word document because if I type in the “Start a message” area I might delete everything

I might not even show this to you.

I might put it on the website and wait for it to be buried amongst the other struggles.

I’m annoyed that my mind came here instead of being proud of me for writing out the letter. I was worried I wouldn’t be able to do it but the Word document is open and filling up.

Maybe I should write a letter to myself.

But I’m too lazy and I can already feel myself hating myself more for even thinking a letter to myself would help.

And now I hate the word myself.

Great.

Day 2

I feel annoyed

I feel frustrated

I’m complaining too much.

You don’t feel that way

because I keep hitting backspace

and doing lip rolls,

forcing my feelings out on “BBBBBBBBB”s

I typed it out for you,

Brought out my tablet too

But I can’t do something as simple as cut and paste.

I took a picture but couldn’t hit the send button

I want to tell you, but . . .

I don’t like negativity

I don’t want to bring this into my safe space!

I want to shut the shower door and leave everything there; someone else can wash it away

I want to be happy here

Tsk.

I feel stupid

I created a persona to express myself.

Nabi talks. Nabi says the difficult things.

Only [redacted] has to smile all the time, be the light everyone wants claim to.

What am I doing? I should be able to talk.

Why can’t I be honest?

Everyone is having a party because of the pictures.

It’s comeback season!

. . . I wish I felt the energy to scream along with everyone

I am writing this as if I’m going to show it to you. But I already know myself. This will probably become just another page on the website. It’s only appropriate the rain fell in crashes as I wrote this paragraph, isn’t it.

I do apologize for the handwriting.

My body is tired.

It refused to get up today. I moved from my bed once. And that was just to shower because I write best in the shower.

Do you think I’ll be able to send this to you?

I know you’re waiting for me.

I didn’t write your name, so maybe one day soon I’ll be able to send it to you as a link. Maybe I can make that day today . . .  but I already feel the anxiety washing over. Perhaps that day will not be today after all.

Here, Mae. Is this what you wanted to hear?

Don’t you have it hard enough?

Day 3

Hi Mae

I just want to say thank you for existing

For being my friend

For being who you are

I feel comforted just knowing that I can go to you at any time, and say whatever I need to say, and you’ll be there for me.

You know how much it means to me, right?

I feel like I can sit back and let myself go in your arms, and everything will be okay.

Nothing’s wrong. I’m just feeling sentimental right now.

I love you.