I don’t understand 

The person I once was 

I don’t feel like I’ve changed 

But I know that I grew up 

How stupid 

Could I have been 

How can those have been my thoughts 

How should 

I forgive 

Myself when I was young 

 

I know I’m not alone but 

I still feel disgust 

If only I could do-over from the start 

 

It’s unoriginal but 

The story of me sucks 

I’m embarrassed of the person I’ve become 

 

Back in high school I believed 

I could save my first kiss to be 

With a holy man I’d marry 

Please, don’t laugh at me 

I was a gullible dork 

But at least I was happy 

 

Don’t ask me why I trusted 

The one I called my best friend 

I must have been and idiot 

I still hate that it happened, yeah 

 

I was naive and I didn’t know the statistics 

I was just me and sheltered for protection 

How could anyone have known the ending 

I can’t even tell you what the worst part is 

 

But time kept going 

And I kept falling 

Deeper into mental illness that became the whole me 

I wasn’t a person 

I was an outrage 

Everything triggered the loss of my control, he 

Didn’t know my past 

Until one night he asked 

And tried to erase the unpleasant memories 

By overwriting all of it 

I remember wanting it 

 

Because I was stupid. Because I was young. 

Because my first kiss. Was long, long gone. 

Because there’s no difference. Between this one and that one. 

Because I had imagined. It was a proposal. 

And he’d be my husband. If I never let go. 

Even if he shoved me. And told me to get lost. 

And called me a bitch. And I wrote it in blood. 

Because my first kiss. Became cuts on my arm. 

I’m scared to keep writing. I’m gonna throw up. 

Why did I think I was happy. Why did I grow up. 

You know, I’m not even thirty 

Can I please start over